Wednesday, August 27, 2008

I Have to Learn to appreciate SACRIFICE

I have to learn to appreciate sacrifice


Last night, I was really stressed. I was worrying about my finishing my brother’s book report, enhancing our ncm report, and making my nursing care plan. I did my brother’s book report first and ended already at 11pm. The two of us even had a fight because when I took the usb wire out of the desktop computer’s CPU, the monitor suddenly turned off. He got so mad because during that time, he was playing an online game. I didn’t say sorry. I guess that was my bad. Now I think I should have said sorry. What I did instead was to add oil to the fire. I met his anger with my anger and frustration. I was almost shouting at him telling him that he should not act that way because it’s his project I am making. I felt really really bad that I went upstairs to my room. I intended not to print and give him his book report that was to be submitted the day after.

Upstairs, despite my anger and frustration, I was able to reflect on a lot of things especially on the issue of sacrificing. I constantly asked myself, “why am I sacrificing?” and “Why am I the only one suffering?”. I even recalled the sacrifices I did in the past and came to the conclusion that I don’t get benefits from my sacrifices. Thoughts of hating to sacrifice cam into my mind because I get nothing out of it. I thought of myself as being abused by other people when I try to sacrifice. I decided to sleep, not to read the Bible because I was not prepared to. I went to search for my phone to set the alarm. I was searching frantically when I realized that my phone was nowhere to be found! I searched downstairs then back upstairs, peering at every corner...none! I couldn't find my phone!! I wasn't ready to give up and continued searching.... When I finally became weary, I came to the conclusion that my phone was really gone. I recalled the past events that happened yesterday. I thought that my phone may have slipped from my pocket when I was riding the jeepney.

Because I thought I lost my phone, I realized that God must have decided that I was again endowed with worldly things (which is true..=< ) and decided to take my phone away from me. I was pacing back and forth praying to God not to take my phone from me. I was almost crying when I tried to open the Bible. I read the first few verses, decided to close the Bible because I was so preoccupied with my thoughts and decided to continue to pray. When I realized there's no more I can do, I began to turn off the lights and prepared my bed.

I was lying in my bed, in the midst of darkness thinking things through. I reflected on my life before. There were times back then when I chose to sacrifice and the results may not have benefited me materially, but I felt God's presence even more. It was so hard to sacrifice because sacrificing does not only entail giving a part of what you have but giving all that you have. I was able to do it before. Why is it so hard for me now?

I often frown or smirk when I realize I am sacrificing for nothing. That is what my thoughts are now. While I was reflecting, I realized that I was able to make sacrifices before with a smile on because I was not doing things to get material gain but I was doing things for God. I was thinking that if I do this and God will be pleased, then that's enough for me.

Sigh~ what happened to me?

Labels: sacrifice

by jiL at 8:50 PM |